His picture hurt me more than I thought it would. So I looked again. And again.And again and again until I couldn't stand anymore looking. Anymore seeing. I try to convince myself I don't love him. I thought maybe seeing him with her would help desensitize me to him. How very, very wrong I was. At this moment its hard to type because I can barely see the keys which are now slightly wet. I hate mascara.
Hate emotion. Hate losing someone I never really had in the first place. Even with her out of the equation now, knowing that the only reason they broke up was him coming back still feels awkward. I can't handle this! Everything is numb to me...everything grows paler, fades like a forgotten photograph in somebody's basement...until he walks by, or texts me, or laughs.....then I remember that I love him and the bullet of reality shoots right through me, literally driving home the message : "He doesn't love you like he did. You blew it. Its your fault that the person you've been in love with for four years no longer feels the same. Stop hoping he'll ever love you again because you don't deserve true love. Don't deserve true love because you threw it away. Don't even try to rationalize this."
I just need to disappear. Everyone would be so much better off if I wasn't so caught up in this. I'm sorry. I don't know how i feel or even if i should feel at all. GOD! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME????!!! ...........stupid dripping mascara....
2 comments:
oh wow... interesting situation... i wish i have more to say... but i'm afraid that idk ur history together... but i do know that you deserve true love and you WILL get it again. okay? I love you Hannah!
Life sucks, people suck, boys suck, girls suck too.
But
its all the crap we go though that will shape and mold our souls, get back up on the horse; life, for all its flaws, IS worth fighting for.
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