Formulas

close the door
speak the noise
surround yourself
with pretty boys

Sleep a walk
take a fall
forgetting makes
you feel so small

lie to me.Tell me your truth.your version.your meaningless twisted words spiraling toward an eventual collapse. I have no me. I have no I. I have no he,she,him,her,it,thing or self.This body is nothing but bone and flesh. I won't ask for help because it hurts the questioner. I cannot live and I will not die by choice. i don't want to hurt people through any means. What shall this body do?

Love through the Fax Machine

the cats gone and the cradle is empty.
all thats left is the nothing you seek
Happiness, what a mythical notion,
an improbable legend that sets stomachs to motion
Sickness, oh infiltrate this body just once,
twice three times the devil in store for
Me, laugh if you will. You must. For it fills the vast vaccuum wich groans for wanton legacies to unfold.
blanket me with sweet parting words,
choke me with cliched verses,
overflow this raging river
Till ocean finds
your Elisium

I need amnesia....who's got a bigg rock I could borrow?

His picture hurt me more than I thought it would. So I looked again. And again.And again and again until I couldn't stand anymore looking. Anymore seeing. I try to convince myself I don't love him. I thought maybe seeing him with her would help desensitize me to him. How very, very wrong I was. At this moment its hard to type because I can barely see the keys which are now slightly wet. I hate mascara.

Hate emotion. Hate losing someone I never really had in the first place. Even with her out of the equation now, knowing that the only reason they broke up was him coming back still feels awkward. I can't handle this! Everything is numb to me...everything grows paler, fades like a forgotten photograph in somebody's basement...until he walks by, or texts me, or laughs.....then I remember that I love him and the bullet of reality shoots right through me, literally driving home the message : "He doesn't love you like he did. You blew it. Its your fault that the person you've been in love with for four years no longer feels the same. Stop hoping he'll ever love you again because you don't deserve true love. Don't deserve true love because you threw it away. Don't even try to rationalize this."

I just need to disappear. Everyone would be so much better off if I wasn't so caught up in this. I'm sorry. I don't know how i feel or even if i should feel at all. GOD! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME????!!! ...........stupid dripping mascara....

easy as mutton chops...

.....and thats when it all went BOOM! No more Hannah...no more Margaret...no more Hadaway. The end. Zip.Zilch. Nada. NOTHING. Her head made an interesting pop. No weasel, no goes. Just pop. An identity deflated and a reality shoved to the side. Somewhere in the distance a redheaded seventeen year old types on an increasingly slow eMac in a library, while watching herself fading into...well. No one really knows ,now do they?

She ponders what she could possibly have been.


......and thats when it all went BANG! No longer trusted....no longer a confidante...no longer included. That's it. Done. Finished. Through. OVER. Her head is still spinning. No movment, no sound. Just dizzy. An epiphany withdrawn and a friendship hanging by threads. Someone inside a melody is screaming wordless lyrics, listening to emptiness surround...well. No one really knows, now do they?

She wonders why she loves a woman.

Simply fantastic.....

HELLO! ARE YOU LISTENING NOW?

11/13/08




What am I to you Do you care at all about the time and effort I put into just waking up and getting through the day? my life has almost constantly revolved around what other people wanted; how other people felt. My existence might as well be entitled: "Everybody else." It's as if I no longer have a name. I listen and sympathize, I advise and care, and yet in the end my hands are empty. I've never been a friend in order to gain something. That isn't frienship. The only expectation I ever had was one that shouldn't even have to be put into consideration, and if you haven't guessed it yet, it's your friendship. Seriously. Thats all. Pure, unfiltered,unaltered freindship.
Today was a real eye-opener. Perfect strangers were willing to come and talk with me, laugh with me, say stupid things with me. But my friends weren't. This hurts more than words can express. Mostly because I feel rejected all over again, and today was supposed to be about inclusion and welcoming. This post isn't just about today. This is about what has been building up over the past four years, and I'm ready for whats coming. I had hoped somebody would care.

Slowly, Slowly......

Someone once told me that to live is to love and to love is to know true meaning. They didn't specify, however, what type of love leads us to fulfillment. Now I think I know.
I'm aware that what I'm cradling in my arms has no heartbeat, no way to breathe, no pulse, no thought. Im aware that this is just a class project that I'll eventually forget ever happened and I'm aware that becoming emotionally attached to inanimate objects is usually not healthy. Despite knowing all of these factors, I've discovered that maternal instinct ....that need to care for and protect this manufactured chunk of plastic made to resemble a human baby. Deep down I know that somewhere in a big city advertisement commitees are going,"YES! We got another one guys! Wahooooooo! Yay manipulation of emotions through consumerism! Yay!"
( Alas, love hasn't cured me of my cynisysm...)
Now the question is: "Since when did I start living?"

Huh?

What is it about the human condition that incites people to undermine, corrupt and in general just be a jerkface?! It confuzels and bambuzels me to such an extent that, to be perfectly honest, I wack out at those who choose to be as such. I'm not completely sure, but this might be making me seem not only unapproachable but insane....which might be a good thing...maybe. Is it just me? Or is the world getting meaner and more unreasonable? Ranting seems to be the only way to keep what sanity I have left. So, thanks to Emily and Lavina for suggesting blogging as an outlet!
How long can a person live with the kind of contempt thats constantly being thrown at them?Some days, the only solution appears to be escaping to a place further away, but then I realized that wherever I run to, cultural expectations and exploitations will follow. so what could a person do to relieve some of the pressures of knowing that theres another aspect of life other than reality tv and plastic surgery? The only thing I can come up with is trying to inform people that they don't have to give in to stereotypes and helping them discover themselves.......but no one really listens to teenagers like me, so......if anyone has any suggestions, please let me know.