chopped. Not even liver, just chopped.

It happens every single damn time. And every time it hurts less. But damn does this one hurt. I get it. I do , really, I just can't fill that space for you anymore. Not anymore room for me, and I can deal with it. But you need to wake up and smell the cup of crappy coffee. I miss having a best friend who is there for me, like I try to be there for you. If I'm in any way important to you, make some effort. Show me. The way I have always tried to show you how much I care. Your boy (whomever it ends up being) has always been more important to you, that allotment of love for one person outweighs your friendships and thats fine. There isn't anything wrong with that in my book, because if thats truly how things are set up in your mind I can accept that. But I refuse to remain in stasis mode. I am DONE not expressing exactly how I feel.

I couldn't be that one person and I don't begrudge him for making you happy. Thats all I wanted was to love you as much as is humanly possible. But this isn't about me having been in love with you for the past 3 years. That love is changing into something different. This is about you needing to either make a viable show of effort or just saying you'd rather take a break from being friends. That way I can stop sending you texts and being a little more hurt each time you don't respond. When you're ready, I'll be the best friend I can be to you. And thats a vow I won't ever break.
Until then, may you find your happiness and peace in this world. Love always.

Everything is being tied back into Jeromey. The night he dies, our favorite movie plays without any possible explanation on its own; my aunt gets me a job working downtown and my first day there I learn the company name sounds like his, although spelled differently; bob marely song randomly played on Pandora and it notified me that he was a fan of the song i just happened to be listening to via his old facebook page.

And it won't stop snowing. I moved to Georgia, this doesn't happen...it's like he sent the snow from Alaska to make sure I won't forget him. Not that I ever could. He is perpetually in my thoughts, right next to Blake. I'm at peace with my sadness for both of these lost friends and the mistakes and misunderstandings between us. Sometimes, When the room is silent and nothing is stirring, when silence is at it's deepest, I feel them all. Everyone I have ever loved who has passed on and into the next reality or frame of existence. I feel them smiling and happy and floating 'round above us, sending warm feelings and gentle thoughts our way.

Waiting for my Aunt Chris to retrieve my nearly wind chilled body from work today, I had the most simplistic, yet profound moment....And in this moment of cliched clarity and otherworldliness ( and grinning like a fool) I turned to my Aunt Catrhy and said, " Holy damn, I'm a WOMAN. Not a girl, or just a young lady, a Woman." An adult of sorts. An impossibly simply and extraordinary epiphany.
As this wave of sudden realization and glee hit me, pulled me under and took my breath away, I felt an immeasurable sense of empowerment. My spine tingled and straightened, my head held itself a little higher, my chest filled with warmth and my cheeks hurt from the silly ass grin on my face.
I've never felt so free in my life.

The Return of Mugsy, the Izzle Lioness

Done.done.done. done. enough. I've had enough. No MORE, of this, this dumb! I am an izzle for goodness sake and a lion! I am an Izzle Lion and I wont stand for this damned "almost" state of being! I am Here, dammit, and I am not going to be an alomst anything!!!!

So....

Don't reach for your happy faces girls, this time I'm brutal.
Brutal, Honest and Unflinching. Understand if you will, this isn't hostility! Goodness, no! This is real. And lovingly so.
I have wasted so much time wishing, wanting, waiting for someone to tell me it's my turn to roll the dice. But I'm seizing control of this game of chance that is my life for the first time and no way I'm giving it up for anything.
Always, my every action, every word spoken, every thought conveyed,
ALWAYS
it was for everyone else. And let me tell ya, I'm exhausted.
I can't live my life for anyone else. I won't do it anymore. I'm here in the south, with the whole world shining in my eyes.
I've stopped warring with my self. There is peace here in my heart and with that Peace I've realized comes a sense of calm and coolness. And so, calmly and cooly and with a level head and open (yet firm) heart, I tell you that I haven't been honest with myself and that is changing. I have strength in ME, and there will be times when I need you, but I no longer feel the absolute desperation of loneliness. I've made my peace, or most of it...the rest can wait. Because I'm better than that.


Yours in earnest,
M.ugsy the I.zzle L.ioness

Trying, Failing, Falling....

Hannah is
sorry
for her mistakes, for not having a car, for not having time, for sleeping in too late, for not keeping in touch, for not following through, for not being on time, for not having the right words to say, for being stressed out, for being lonely, for trying to figure out what to do with her life, for disappointing people, for being hypocritical, for being sorry. I'M SORRY, OK? I'M REALLY FUCKING SORRY! What do you want me to say? I feel like shit for not being able to be there. For anybody. Even for myself. I hate the guilt I feel. The plans I fuck up because life gets in the way. I couldnt make it anywhere. Barely scraping money together for a cab just to make it back to the dorms isnt what I wanted either. But thats LIFE. There's only so much I can handle at a time.....and right now im barely keeping myself together. And when i try to fix the lonely parts I end up back where I started. So yes, I'm sorry. Yes it's a big deal and yes, I realize this might sound like I'm trying to make up some sort of excuse. But it is what it is. And im tired of trying so hard to be there just to not only fail, but to be made to feel guilty because of it. I'm sorry....

Forever

It has taken me this long to somehow acquire the balls to write anything again. Anything meaningful...or even just mindless drivvle that any fool with a keyboard could excrete like mucus. I think I'm happy. Ive so many reasons to be. But I'm stuck inside yet another systematic sack of bullshit. I dont think my parents get the fact that I cant handle school...I didn't know it myself until yesterday when i realized college is way more trouble than its worth. Im tired of living in a world full of expectations....because that means I have to make choices, and I really really suck at those. I can barely decide to wake up in the morning, let alone what my life goals are or how i'm going to make a living. But making a living isnt living. Its a false pretense the world cowers beneath in order to convince itself there is a meaning. Why do we constantly badger ourselves into making more money, more education, more, more, more, MORE!!! Why is the world never enough?!
I have no idea what to do with my life.....

wondering if you'd like to join me in an escape....

I am going to create my own reality. Does anyone want to join in?