Trying, Failing, Falling....

Hannah is
sorry
for her mistakes, for not having a car, for not having time, for sleeping in too late, for not keeping in touch, for not following through, for not being on time, for not having the right words to say, for being stressed out, for being lonely, for trying to figure out what to do with her life, for disappointing people, for being hypocritical, for being sorry. I'M SORRY, OK? I'M REALLY FUCKING SORRY! What do you want me to say? I feel like shit for not being able to be there. For anybody. Even for myself. I hate the guilt I feel. The plans I fuck up because life gets in the way. I couldnt make it anywhere. Barely scraping money together for a cab just to make it back to the dorms isnt what I wanted either. But thats LIFE. There's only so much I can handle at a time.....and right now im barely keeping myself together. And when i try to fix the lonely parts I end up back where I started. So yes, I'm sorry. Yes it's a big deal and yes, I realize this might sound like I'm trying to make up some sort of excuse. But it is what it is. And im tired of trying so hard to be there just to not only fail, but to be made to feel guilty because of it. I'm sorry....

Forever

It has taken me this long to somehow acquire the balls to write anything again. Anything meaningful...or even just mindless drivvle that any fool with a keyboard could excrete like mucus. I think I'm happy. Ive so many reasons to be. But I'm stuck inside yet another systematic sack of bullshit. I dont think my parents get the fact that I cant handle school...I didn't know it myself until yesterday when i realized college is way more trouble than its worth. Im tired of living in a world full of expectations....because that means I have to make choices, and I really really suck at those. I can barely decide to wake up in the morning, let alone what my life goals are or how i'm going to make a living. But making a living isnt living. Its a false pretense the world cowers beneath in order to convince itself there is a meaning. Why do we constantly badger ourselves into making more money, more education, more, more, more, MORE!!! Why is the world never enough?!
I have no idea what to do with my life.....

wondering if you'd like to join me in an escape....

I am going to create my own reality. Does anyone want to join in?