chopped. Not even liver, just chopped.

It happens every single damn time. And every time it hurts less. But damn does this one hurt. I get it. I do , really, I just can't fill that space for you anymore. Not anymore room for me, and I can deal with it. But you need to wake up and smell the cup of crappy coffee. I miss having a best friend who is there for me, like I try to be there for you. If I'm in any way important to you, make some effort. Show me. The way I have always tried to show you how much I care. Your boy (whomever it ends up being) has always been more important to you, that allotment of love for one person outweighs your friendships and thats fine. There isn't anything wrong with that in my book, because if thats truly how things are set up in your mind I can accept that. But I refuse to remain in stasis mode. I am DONE not expressing exactly how I feel.

I couldn't be that one person and I don't begrudge him for making you happy. Thats all I wanted was to love you as much as is humanly possible. But this isn't about me having been in love with you for the past 3 years. That love is changing into something different. This is about you needing to either make a viable show of effort or just saying you'd rather take a break from being friends. That way I can stop sending you texts and being a little more hurt each time you don't respond. When you're ready, I'll be the best friend I can be to you. And thats a vow I won't ever break.
Until then, may you find your happiness and peace in this world. Love always.

Everything is being tied back into Jeromey. The night he dies, our favorite movie plays without any possible explanation on its own; my aunt gets me a job working downtown and my first day there I learn the company name sounds like his, although spelled differently; bob marely song randomly played on Pandora and it notified me that he was a fan of the song i just happened to be listening to via his old facebook page.

And it won't stop snowing. I moved to Georgia, this doesn't happen...it's like he sent the snow from Alaska to make sure I won't forget him. Not that I ever could. He is perpetually in my thoughts, right next to Blake. I'm at peace with my sadness for both of these lost friends and the mistakes and misunderstandings between us. Sometimes, When the room is silent and nothing is stirring, when silence is at it's deepest, I feel them all. Everyone I have ever loved who has passed on and into the next reality or frame of existence. I feel them smiling and happy and floating 'round above us, sending warm feelings and gentle thoughts our way.

Waiting for my Aunt Chris to retrieve my nearly wind chilled body from work today, I had the most simplistic, yet profound moment....And in this moment of cliched clarity and otherworldliness ( and grinning like a fool) I turned to my Aunt Catrhy and said, " Holy damn, I'm a WOMAN. Not a girl, or just a young lady, a Woman." An adult of sorts. An impossibly simply and extraordinary epiphany.
As this wave of sudden realization and glee hit me, pulled me under and took my breath away, I felt an immeasurable sense of empowerment. My spine tingled and straightened, my head held itself a little higher, my chest filled with warmth and my cheeks hurt from the silly ass grin on my face.
I've never felt so free in my life.