I need amnesia....who's got a bigg rock I could borrow?

His picture hurt me more than I thought it would. So I looked again. And again.And again and again until I couldn't stand anymore looking. Anymore seeing. I try to convince myself I don't love him. I thought maybe seeing him with her would help desensitize me to him. How very, very wrong I was. At this moment its hard to type because I can barely see the keys which are now slightly wet. I hate mascara.

Hate emotion. Hate losing someone I never really had in the first place. Even with her out of the equation now, knowing that the only reason they broke up was him coming back still feels awkward. I can't handle this! Everything is numb to me...everything grows paler, fades like a forgotten photograph in somebody's basement...until he walks by, or texts me, or laughs.....then I remember that I love him and the bullet of reality shoots right through me, literally driving home the message : "He doesn't love you like he did. You blew it. Its your fault that the person you've been in love with for four years no longer feels the same. Stop hoping he'll ever love you again because you don't deserve true love. Don't deserve true love because you threw it away. Don't even try to rationalize this."

I just need to disappear. Everyone would be so much better off if I wasn't so caught up in this. I'm sorry. I don't know how i feel or even if i should feel at all. GOD! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME????!!! ...........stupid dripping mascara....

easy as mutton chops...

.....and thats when it all went BOOM! No more Hannah...no more Margaret...no more Hadaway. The end. Zip.Zilch. Nada. NOTHING. Her head made an interesting pop. No weasel, no goes. Just pop. An identity deflated and a reality shoved to the side. Somewhere in the distance a redheaded seventeen year old types on an increasingly slow eMac in a library, while watching herself fading into...well. No one really knows ,now do they?

She ponders what she could possibly have been.


......and thats when it all went BANG! No longer trusted....no longer a confidante...no longer included. That's it. Done. Finished. Through. OVER. Her head is still spinning. No movment, no sound. Just dizzy. An epiphany withdrawn and a friendship hanging by threads. Someone inside a melody is screaming wordless lyrics, listening to emptiness surround...well. No one really knows, now do they?

She wonders why she loves a woman.

Simply fantastic.....

HELLO! ARE YOU LISTENING NOW?

11/13/08




What am I to you Do you care at all about the time and effort I put into just waking up and getting through the day? my life has almost constantly revolved around what other people wanted; how other people felt. My existence might as well be entitled: "Everybody else." It's as if I no longer have a name. I listen and sympathize, I advise and care, and yet in the end my hands are empty. I've never been a friend in order to gain something. That isn't frienship. The only expectation I ever had was one that shouldn't even have to be put into consideration, and if you haven't guessed it yet, it's your friendship. Seriously. Thats all. Pure, unfiltered,unaltered freindship.
Today was a real eye-opener. Perfect strangers were willing to come and talk with me, laugh with me, say stupid things with me. But my friends weren't. This hurts more than words can express. Mostly because I feel rejected all over again, and today was supposed to be about inclusion and welcoming. This post isn't just about today. This is about what has been building up over the past four years, and I'm ready for whats coming. I had hoped somebody would care.